Boyfriend tries to control girlfriend’s interactions, mom decides what stream the son will choose, Dad decides the length of daughter’s clothing before she goes out.
Most of this happens under the guise of love. We are rightfully recognizing this in romantic relationships. However, controlling people and calling it love is hardly limited to these relationships. It’s just that the control by a partner is new and different compared to the control of parents and at times, friends and the larger society.
We are used to others’ control so we don’t find it problematic anymore. That’s why romantic control stands out.
So what does true love for any person look like as opposed to a control-based ownership of the other person, be it a parent-child relationship, a love relationship or any other?
So where do people learn to have control-based relationships? Unfortunately, these come from patriarchal and capitalist ways of life. Men feel threatened with the sexual freedom of women, women get a large part of their self-worth from their relationships due to societal conditioning and so they really cannot have freer relationships as the stakes are high, and a capitalist society means that we hold our children as valuable only if they are productive and so we micro-manage their whole lives.
Of course, this begs the question “how do I parent?” because when kids are really young they don’t know right from wrong and some control on them is needed. While this is true when they are really young and dependent, parents need to constantly check with themselves, who this control benefits. Secondly, you have to train your kids for an independent living, critical thinking and empathy. School-going children beyond age 7 can help out in the house and elder ones can even run some errands for you. Take their help rather than taking it all on you. Being an important part of the house rather than just dependent on parents will be a great self-esteem booster for them too. If they find a shop with cheaper groceries, at least check it out before shooting down the idea. This is the foundation for whether they voice their opinions later in life or not.
Can these be changed? Yes, we can learn healthier ways of conducting our relationships. But it needs work to override what has now become a habit. You might need to work on why is there a need for control. Is it because you feel that if you let people breathe, they might take the first chance and leave? If so, probably you struggle with low self-esteem. Or maybe, these are the only kinds of relationships you’ve seen. Unfortunately the media does not help too, with the way they frame jealous stalkers and possessive partners in both news articles and movies/shows. Your main work lies in the area of emotional intelligence, empathy, self esteem, secure attachments and direct, helpful communication.
If you are someone on the receiving end of a controlling relationship, you may need to explore some of the reasons that made you stay or what makes you not want to question/take steps. You may also need to work on the above mentioned areas, but more specifically, you’d probably need some strength-based work to identify your strengths an magnify them, so that you don’t resign to the situation.
If you are someone who does any kind of work that reaches the public — media, filmmaking, writing, storytelling, journalism — please help change the narrative. We have glorified ownership way too much.
