I’m that person in each of my friend groups, who is always taking initiative (to ask people what is up, to arrange meetups, outings, sharing stuff on Whatsapp groups) and who does the least drama. Actually, no drama at all. I’m sure you have someone like me in your circles. We make the least demands and give a lot. We accommodate our friends, repeatedly, all the time. Not just friends, but people in general.
If you search “not taken for granted” on Google, you will find a gazillion articles on how not to be taken for granted. These are aimed at people like me. The problem is that we are already doing a lot for our friends and loved ones and we shouldn’t have to do one more job! (take efforts so we aren’t taken for granted). You will find a couple of articles on not taking your partner for granted (in the context of relationships). The only reason for this I guess is that a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife can leave you if this pattern persists. Friends are doomed to stick around.
Just like instead of asking employees to tread lightly around an asshole boss, we should actually be fixing the boss, so too, instead of asking the no-demands friend to stand up for themselves, we should be asking the rest of the friends to step up their game.
Why? Because every friend of yours who is like me will reach a set point and stop caring. It isn’t that we cannot stand up for ourselves, but that we should not have to. We do a lot as is.
How do you know you have a friend like this who is being taken for granted?
- Is there someone in your group who always asks to meet?
- Is there someone who moves their schedule to accommodate you or your group?
- Is there someone who is always available to help?
- Is there someone whose needs are never spoken of?
- Is there someone who is always the shoulder to cry on?
- Is there someone who is forced to make their achievements and sorrows a low profile, for the sake of everyone else?
Well, that someone is being taken for granted by you and your friends. How can you change this?
- Divide the arrangements for meetups about everyone.
- Check up on this person, ask what they need.
- You and your group need to make a conscious effort to look up from your busy life and move your schedules a little bit so that this person doesn’t make all the sacrifices to accommodate you.
And these are just the general things. I’m sure that there are specific things you can do for this person based on how they are. Are they someone who never tell if they felt bad or used? Then consider twice before you say things or put a load of emotional labor onto them. Are they someone who ignore their health for the group? Help them to gently put themselves first.
Even if you do not do all these things, most people like me do not leave groups. Maybe we fade away and then resurface when we are feeling hopeful. But eventually, this is a necessary step for a health friendship.
Friends are the backyard dustbin in which we dump all the behavior that our family and significant other won’t take. And that too, we will dump on a friend “likely to take it”. For instance, would you cancel on a friend who is likely to make a scene? No, you will go.
Just because your friend like me does not make scenes, is not the reason to make them a piece of furniture. If you owe changing your behaviour to anyone, you owe it to this friend. This friend who was there when family, relationships and other friends were “too busy”.
